Category Archives: thought

Words

There are things
I could say
There are things
I don’t
And things I should
And things I won’t

There would be no difference
These words never will change
How you feel
And even if they did
After all this time
I know it wouldn’t be real

You love her
You hate her
The very mention of her
Sends you into so many emotions
It has been a year
Still you cannot shake her
I have never seen you in this place before

You, the one quick to make fun
The one rarely serious
Willing to give up
Anything
Everything
For her

I love you
But you do not
Love me as much as
Half of the love
You still feel for her

So watch me
Encourage you
To find someone new
To get out in the world
To be happy

While I know
I can never change your feelings
And allow you to forget her
I can never earn after eight years
the same trust
You have given her
In a matter of months

Group Projects

“Okay class, it is now time for your end of year projects. Groups of 2 to 4 please”

 

I look around the room

I ask the first person

That I see

That I am on somewhat good terms with

partners? I ask

She already has a group

She does not invite me to this group

That group is everyone else I would have asked

There is no one left

but me

 

I beg myself into a group

where people pity me

into a project I have no interest in

I wish I could be on my own

I wish I had someone that I could work with

 

What is the point

of these stupid projects anyways?

The teacher would have taught it

if it was important

and if it is not important

why am I using my time on it

when I should be studying

when I should be happy

instead of stressing over another deadline

another time commitment

 

It wouldn’t be bad

if there was a reason for it

besides to fill the time

It wouldn’t be bad

if I had friends in this class

it might even be fun

It wouldn’t be bad

if the subject my group picked

wasn’t so

boring

or if we were going to present it

in a fun way

and not in a way

that would entertain 5 year olds

and bore 5 year olds

at the same time

It is fine

I suppose

 

It will happen and that will be that

but I hate the uncomfortable feeling

of being at the house of some one

I barely know

working with people

that have taken pity on me

and allowed me to join them

but not really

because the whole time

I won’t really be one of them

I won’t really have a say

They are a group

They stay together

I am merely passing through

and I will not be allowed

to interrupt them

 

 

 

 

Silent Blogs

They sit there

empty

waiting

waiting for what?

For words to cross their screen

For words to mean something again

But they just sit there

abandoned

not even with a goodbye

their writer just left

in the middle of

 

 

Looking back

Ever look back and wonder who that person was? Looks like you, same memories as you, and you remember being her. but you no longer know her? I can split my life up into sections. When I was friends with Emmi, when I was a friend of Rose, when Amy and I were friends. I can reach out and hold on to that memory but it isn’t me. But have I changed for the better? And seriously what is wrong with me, I lose friends left and right. My head tells me that I just pick bad people but they used to be my friends, They were at times nice to me, we had fun…where did that go? Why did I end up getting called pathetic. Why did I get bullied. Why was I so easily used? They were my friends, I don’t get it, was I never theirs? But that girl, she wore a smile on her face, had friends to back her up and didn’t care about the world trying to swallow her. Each time one of those friends and I “grew apart” my world crashed. My backup was gone. My life was gone. I could feel myself closing up. But looking back I still want to be one of those girls with friends that would go shopping with me and talk to me and do what friends do,  I have friends, but the only close one is now my boyfriend and that I don’t think really counts-plus he hates going shopping.  I wish nothing had happened that I could still call Emmi up, but I can’t.(she moved and we hadn’t been friends for 2 years at that point) I am a different person when I am a runner, when I am at camp, when I go to school, when I am around different people. but which one of those people is me and how could they all be? The girl at camp-that’s her second home and suddenly she isn’t the germ freak she is everywhere else. Suddenly she is okay with spiders. Suddenly this weight is lifted of her shoulders and she stops pretending.

“I learned to recognise the thorough and primitive duality of man; I saw that, of the two natures that contended in the field of my consciousness, even if I could rightly be said to be either, it was only because I was radically both.”
― Robert Louis StevensonThe Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Looking back I have lived many lives and continue to do so, they all are me and I am all of them even if I don’t understand how yet.

Regrets

They haunt you now

nothing left to change

you can’t go back

stuck

Jealous?

I love to sing. I have always identified myself as a singer. My exfriend, Amy is a singer too. We were in the same choir and she got the only solo- I was upset I didn’t get it, but my range is no longer first soprano. We grew apart and by that I mean she kicked me to the curb. I can give examples… But I am really trying not to be bitter. ANYWAYS She and I both auditioned for the school musical… I didn’t get in, she did(choir member). One of my friends, Nick, got a small role in the musical. And I am really happy for him, his voice has really improved and he deserves the role. I also have some friends working behind the scenes in tech crew. All of my friends want me to go to the musical. Normally it would be right up my ally. I wanted to go to the musical last year but couldn’t because I was busy.  I should go, support my friends, and have a good time…BUT the thought of it makes my stomach churn. I am fine with not getting in, I am fine that my friend got in, happy even, I am not fine that Amy got in. Why? Am I jealous? I wanted a role, but I am fine with not getting one, Have a lot on my plate anyways. But I can’t stand the thought of seeing her there.  Like she’s mocking me. Reminding me she’s better than me…idk. Am I jealous or what? Why do I care?

WHO AM I?

Who am I?

Isn’t that a question we all ask our selves?

I am a writer(am I any good?), singer, figure skater, horse back rider(western style), an artist(well I can’t draw or paint or anything involving art but I try), a swimmer, a runner, an idiot, a genius, a bad speller, lover of history, hater of war, vegetarian, geek, cello player(though not very well), debater, mock trial person, and so many other things.

But these still don’t answer my question.

Who am I?

I am the girl who sings in the hallways, annoying people out of their minds. The girl who is so scared about falling back into the old me, the person who didn’t think, just did, the person who gave up herself to fit in. Yes, I get it, hearing me sing is annoying but if I don’t am I denying who I am? The girl who wants to sing and probably has the closest thing to living a real life musical? But if I try to be myself too much am I really being myself?

But these things still don’t answer my question

Because

There is no answer to my question.

I am me. I change, I grow, I learn, over thinking it is part of being me, pretending to be who I am not is also part of being me, trying too hard to show the world who I am is part of being me.

In short

I am free

to be

who ever

I want

to look into

that mirror

to see.