Looking back

Ever look back and wonder who that person was? Looks like you, same memories as you, and you remember being her. but you no longer know her? I can split my life up into sections. When I was friends with Emmi, when I was a friend of Rose, when Amy and I were friends. I can reach out and hold on to that memory but it isn’t me. But have I changed for the better? And seriously what is wrong with me, I lose friends left and right. My head tells me that I just pick bad people but they used to be my friends, They were at times nice to me, we had fun…where did that go? Why did I end up getting called pathetic. Why did I get bullied. Why was I so easily used? They were my friends, I don’t get it, was I never theirs? But that girl, she wore a smile on her face, had friends to back her up and didn’t care about the world trying to swallow her. Each time one of those friends and I “grew apart” my world crashed. My backup was gone. My life was gone. I could feel myself closing up. But looking back I still want to be one of those girls with friends that would go shopping with me and talk to me and do what friends do,  I have friends, but the only close one is now my boyfriend and that I don’t think really counts-plus he hates going shopping.  I wish nothing had happened that I could still call Emmi up, but I can’t.(she moved and we hadn’t been friends for 2 years at that point) I am a different person when I am a runner, when I am at camp, when I go to school, when I am around different people. but which one of those people is me and how could they all be? The girl at camp-that’s her second home and suddenly she isn’t the germ freak she is everywhere else. Suddenly she is okay with spiders. Suddenly this weight is lifted of her shoulders and she stops pretending.

“I learned to recognise the thorough and primitive duality of man; I saw that, of the two natures that contended in the field of my consciousness, even if I could rightly be said to be either, it was only because I was radically both.”
― Robert Louis StevensonThe Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Looking back I have lived many lives and continue to do so, they all are me and I am all of them even if I don’t understand how yet.


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